Tag Archives: rapture-ready

God is at it again

Posted on by

The evil god who tells people to gun down complete strangers in crowded shopping malls is up to his old tricks. He ordered a man to ram a vehicle at 100mph.

” God told him “she needed to be taken off the road.”

This may not be a bad defence for someone living in a god fearing state. Google-maps shows Bexar County is in Texas, near San Antonio. On the basis of my admittedly non-existent knowledge of the distribution of blind faith in the USA, that sounds a mite too sceptical a location for this to play well as a defence strategy.

Still, there would only need to be a couple of Rapture Ready people on the jury and he’d walk from court a free man. After all, if god is going to beam them up and smash up the place after they’ve gone, who among them could say that this wasn’t a genuine manifestation of his smitely powers?

The prosecution could hardly prove the driver was acting under a ludicrous belief, “beyond reasonable doubt,” without implicitly calling into question all those Old Testament stories where god told people to sacrifice their first born or stone the ungodly.

EnRaptured

Posted on by

The makers of the Rapture Ready Index are getting really quite upset about the prospect of Obama’s winning. (Make it so. Please, make it so.)

So upset that they seem to see Obama in a rapture-causing category almost all of his own.

…If Obama should win in November, I plan to issue the most dire warning I’ve ever issued during the history of this ministry.

That will be pretty damn dire then. Isn’t that their whole raison d’etre? Issuing dire warnings? And this will be the most dire.

I admit to being too dumb to understand the whole “dire warnings” thrust of the Index. Aren’t these people counting the minutes until they get raised up to heaven on a big cloud? Is their Index supposed to list bad things or good things, from their perspective?

In fact, if they really believe that an Obama victory will issue in the end of the world, then why are they condemning the “liberal” media for supporting him? Shouldn’t they be welcoming him for supposedly hastening their coming move upstairs?

Why are they supporting the emetic McCain/Palin combo, then?

(Well, not quite. They barely mention McCain. All their hopes seem to be on Palin, who is much scarier even than McCain to my godless self – and quite a threat to moose, wolves and polar bears, too, apparently.)

Of course, they manage to get in a sly insinuation that Obama is a mysteriously secret Muslim. This is utterly confusing, apart from obviously being the worst kind of nonsense, although it seems to be believed by a fair proportion of the people on their chatboards. How can such people both blame Obama for the words of his former Christian pastor and still see him as a Muslim? (Quite apart from their bizarre assumptions that “Muslim” is just a euphemism for “being a suicide bomber” and would self-evidently disqualify anyone from the presidency.) But, again, if they really believe this, shouldn’t they be welcoming it, following what I hesitate to call their logic?

Rapture Ready’s avid enthusiasm for the prospect of the destruction of humanity is expressed perfectly in another disturbing piece on the same page, which complains that the US is stopping the rapture by failing to support Israel:

The perfect prophetic storm is upon this last-time generation. To understand the darkly serious truth of America’s tinkering in the matter of forcing Israel to make human peace with its enemies, we must delve heavily into the relevant prophetic Scriptures.

(If only the US would force Israel to “make human peace.” ) They reckon that America and the UN are interfering in god’s plan for Israel.

…America’s and the Quartet’s (U.S., E.U., U.N., and Russia) attempts to force the making of a Palestinian nation upon land that is Israel’s by divine right.

I’m not going to be too snide about people with absolutely no education in history, let alone modern international politics. These are tough subjects and I am already marvelling that people as mentally challenged as the RR gang can write sentences and use the Internet.

I am going to challenge “god’s plan.” Either their god wants the world to be scourged of us evil humans or he doesn’t. If he does, but is too idle to do it himself, shouldn’t they be welcoming any potential anti-christ figure who fills the bill? If god wants the US to support Israel right into the jaws of Armageddon, why can’t he bloody do it himself?

Look, RR people. I wouldn’t dare suggest you try reading history books or anything. But there are plenty of other holy books that you could take as literally true. You could take the Eddas or the Mabinogion or the Baghavad Gita or the Dao de Jing (however they are spelled.)

I’m not saying that you still couldn’t do serious damage if you believed in any of these books as accurate prophecies but at least the rest of us would get a break for a few centuries while you worked up an appropriately life-destroying worldview.

Gifts that keep on giving

Posted on by

Spotting this link to a Christian Rock version of Guitar Hero on Mojoey’s site and thinking about the unfortunate brainwashing experiment child who is getting clothing covered with crosses (instead of skulls) on Rapture Ready, I decided to see what other christian mods of popular goods you could buy.

Hallelujah! In case you are worried that your dog may not be well enough versed in the paranoid interpretation of scripture, here’s a jacket she can wear, so that the smiting angels know to miss your bitch out.

RaptureReadyDogCoat

RaptureReadyDogCoat

I confess to being a little baffled by the logo, which looks vaguely obscene. The other rapture-ready gifts are just tshirts and fridge magnets and baby’s bibs with the logo. So, not very interesting.

But Google provides an amazing rapture-ready gift, in the form of true comedy gold. Among the boring t-shirts and fridge magnets you find as a result of a search for “rapture ready gifts,” I found this site that uses the word “gift” in an other than material way.

All gifts are for today and no gift should be lifted up above others. The purpose of spiritual ……

This is a site that uses the commercial appeal of hiphop stereotypes to promote its death-worshipping message to da yoof. (All my instincts and residual optimism about humans are shouting “Come on, this MUST be a spoof site” but this may be wishful thinking. )

The raptureready911 site – Title:Are you Rapture Ready?- has a menu bar with offerings like “Hookers for Jesus”; “Pimping the Church” “Satanic signs and symbols” and the “Truth behind Hip-Hop.”

The truth behind hip-hop seems to be found in

“Preacher plays Jay-Z song backward to reveal disturbing, satanic lyrics. Scary”

Scary indeed….. Mwa Ha Haaa… Satan’s trying the frightening backward lyrics trick again (TM Judas Priest, et al)

Satan must be really dumb. He hatches an evil plan to corrupt the world by hiding demonic messages in popular music. But he mistakenly puts them in backwards, failing to notice that only backward people Christian fundamentalists EVER play music backwards looking for demonic messages……..

How do you even do that with a cd player, anyway? It’s not as if you can manually push a turntable in the opposite direction. It must need a fair amount of familiarity with digital sound software. What a fool Satan is. It’s not just any fundies who can get the messages. It’s only the fundy sound engineers. I would have thought these were rarer than five-footed dogs, but I am forgetting the huge volume of “Christian Rock” that exists.

I fail to fight the impulse to click on the button that promises the revelations of “Preacher plays Jay-Z song backward to reveal disturbing, satanic lyrics. Scary” Blimey. Bugger it. I have to say LOL. Out loud.
“Murder, murder Jesus” finally emerges from a few schrunch schcrun sounds. when a Jay-Z song is played backwards to a shocked congregation. The preacher says “Unbelievable.”

(Took the words right out of my mouth there…. I think he may be channelling me.)

There’s another link that opens a youtube vid in case you want to risk your own immortal soul by listening (Mwa Ha haa etc) There are some sharp comments on youtube, including:

This is the Dangermouse mash-up of the song from the Grey Album, so if anything Dangermouse has chosen which words to sample & play backwards. Jay-Z hasn’t chosen which words to reverse… but this video has given half of you illiterate R-Tards a wet dream.

(Ah, so it turns out that the rapture-ready sound engineers didn’t actually have the sampling skills to do this themselves. LOL again.)

The truth behind hip-hop is still eluding me, so I have to click on the link that says “rocawear logo is satanic” More you-tuve stuff. Shots of logos next to astrological symbols. Already ludicrous MTV-“style street gang signal” gestures juxtaposed with pyramids and then used to infer Masonic messages.

They are promoting some truly amazing stuff on this site (along with their own Christian rapper) the sounds of hell, for instance. I can hardly recommend it too highly.

The nature of evil

Posted on by

I know, I know. Mocking the people who post on Rapture Ready feels like hanging round the special needs kids and laughing at them.

But still. This is the most comically ironic thread that I’ve followed to its source, from the reliably hilarious Fundies Say the Darnedest Things, for – well – a few days at least.

There’s a Rapture Ready thread on the topic Are Skull Shirts Evil?

Evil? Can clothes be intrinsically evil? This could explain several of life’s mysteries.

Why, for instance, do the top buttons on the most expensive blouse I’ve ever owned pop open whenever I’m in a public place? Why does one in every pair of socks disappear in the washing machine. How can labels scratch weals in your skin, despite feeling as soft as toilet paper when you touch them? How can things that looked stunning on a hanger in the store make the wearer look like a dumpier and more taste-challenged version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

Realising that evil may indeed live in the hearts of garments can explain so much. I had previously had to rely on the working assumption that some clothes were under an RPG curse. But now, I’ve seen the truth. They are just innately bad. Probably manifestations of lesser demons or something.

However, reading Rapture Ready with attention, it seems that it’s not clothes in general, just clothes with skull motifs, that are evil. Regular member scapegoat says

It’s part of the “Culture of Death” our world is embracing. Homosexuality, abortion, etc….

RDY4HIM says:

…. From what I can tell, it is directly associated with the kids embracing the spirit of death. They obsess over it. Some are actually suicidal, some practice self-injury, but most are extremely depressed. They see death as a way out and look forward to it because they have no hope. These are the kids that I minister to on-line through Facebook.
….. there is a really cool line of clothing out at Mardel’s and maybe other Christian stores called NOTW (Not of this World). The look is very similar to the skulls and crossbones attire but with crosses instead. They have hoodies, t-shirts, shoes, jewelry, you name it. Very cool, and an awesome way for our kids ti witness. My daughter will definitely be getting some for her b-day.

Lucky, lucky girl…. What an awesome b-day that will be. (It’s not as if a cross has anything to do with death or anything.)

Lucky suicidal kids who get ministered to on Facebook, too. (Yet another reason for avoiding facebook like a biblical plague of boils.)

Some posters say it’s just a fashion, even “cute” in pink (Is there anything on earth that some people don’t think is cute in pink?) But most are predictably aghast – satan’s trickery, EMO death cult and all the rest of it.

Culture of Death, indeed. Let me get this straight:

Rapture enthusiasts = people for whom mass human extinction can’t come soon enough. I think that defines a death cult.

These are the members of a death cult, who see some clothes as evil because – wait for it – their decoration represents a death cult.

So they suggest that their fellow Rapture Xians replace death symbol A (skull) with death symbol B (a cross)

I bet that is sooo cuuuute in pink