Spotting this link to a Christian Rock version of Guitar Hero on Mojoey’s site and thinking about the unfortunate brainwashing experiment child who is getting clothing covered with crosses (instead of skulls) on Rapture Ready, I decided to see what other christian mods of popular goods you could buy.

Hallelujah! In case you are worried that your dog may not be well enough versed in the paranoid interpretation of scripture, here’s a jacket she can wear, so that the smiting angels know to miss your bitch out.

RaptureReadyDogCoat

I confess to being a little baffled by the logo, which looks vaguely obscene. The other rapture-ready gifts are just tshirts and fridge magnets and baby’s bibs with the logo. So, not very interesting.

But Google provides an amazing rapture-ready gift, in the form of true comedy gold. Among the boring t-shirts and fridge magnets you find as a result of a search for “rapture ready gifts,” I found this site that uses the word “gift” in an other than material way.

All gifts are for today and no gift should be lifted up above others. The purpose of spiritual ……

This is a site that uses the commercial appeal of hiphop stereotypes to promote its death-worshipping message to da yoof. (All my instincts and residual optimism about humans are shouting “Come on, this MUST be a spoof site” but this may be wishful thinking. )

The raptureready911 site – Title:Are you Rapture Ready?- has a menu bar with offerings like “Hookers for Jesus”; “Pimping the Church” “Satanic signs and symbols” and the “Truth behind Hip-Hop.”

The truth behind hip-hop seems to be found in

“Preacher plays Jay-Z song backward to reveal disturbing, satanic lyrics. Scary”

Scary indeed….. Mwa Ha Haaa… Satan’s trying the frightening backward lyrics trick again (TM Judas Priest, et al)

Satan must be really dumb. He hatches an evil plan to corrupt the world by hiding demonic messages in popular music. But he mistakenly puts them in backwards, failing to notice that only backward people Christian fundamentalists EVER play music backwards looking for demonic messages……..

How do you even do that with a cd player, anyway? It’s not as if you can manually push a turntable in the opposite direction. It must need a fair amount of familiarity with digital sound software. What a fool Satan is. It’s not just any fundies who can get the messages. It’s only the fundy sound engineers. I would have thought these were rarer than five-footed dogs, but I am forgetting the huge volume of “Christian Rock” that exists.

I fail to fight the impulse to click on the button that promises the revelations of “Preacher plays Jay-Z song backward to reveal disturbing, satanic lyrics. Scary” Blimey. Bugger it. I have to say LOL. Out loud.
“Murder, murder Jesus” finally emerges from a few schrunch schcrun sounds. when a Jay-Z song is played backwards to a shocked congregation. The preacher says “Unbelievable.”

(Took the words right out of my mouth there…. I think he may be channelling me.)

There’s another link that opens a youtube vid in case you want to risk your own immortal soul by listening (Mwa Ha haa etc) There are some sharp comments on youtube, including:

This is the Dangermouse mash-up of the song from the Grey Album, so if anything Dangermouse has chosen which words to sample & play backwards. Jay-Z hasn’t chosen which words to reverse… but this video has given half of you illiterate R-Tards a wet dream.

(Ah, so it turns out that the rapture-ready sound engineers didn’t actually have the sampling skills to do this themselves. LOL again.)

The truth behind hip-hop is still eluding me, so I have to click on the link that says “rocawear logo is satanic” More you-tuve stuff. Shots of logos next to astrological symbols. Already ludicrous MTV-“style street gang signal” gestures juxtaposed with pyramids and then used to infer Masonic messages.

They are promoting some truly amazing stuff on this site (along with their own Christian rapper) the sounds of hell, for instance. I can hardly recommend it too highly.