Daily Archives: Fri, 26 October, 2007

WingNuts, WingNuts, WingNuts

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By Belatu-Cadros, the fools at WingNut WorldNetDaily make it easy for people to ridicule them. It is like the Gods themselves have decided that the things (for want of a better word, they certainly are not people) who write for WND need to publicly humiliate themselves on a regular basis. If it were any other website, I would have assumed good faith and decided it was a massive outpouring of irony and satire. Sadly, this is WND. These raving lunatics actually believe what they write.

Today, I braved the wrath of Ambisagrus and visited the wingnuts (no, I wont link to them, sorry). Blimey, I certainly wasn’t disappointed.

In a post titled “Norris endorses, surge follows : Huckabee sees spike in online donations after column” we get a wonderful example of why people attribute mysterious effects to routine things.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, a GOP presidential candidate, is experiencing a surge in campaign cash just days after Chuck Norris wrote a column in WND endorsing him.

Well, isn’t cause and effect a wonderful thing. I prayed over and over to Toutatis that this was just a jokingly ironic post, but I can’t find any evidence of it. Obviously this is why wing nuts in general struggle to appreciate what science and experiment tells them, and from this evidence it seems trying to get them to learn about (for example) evolution is a definite non-starter.

If you look through WingNutDaily, (Sorry, cracked and linked) there are numerous times that good old Chuck has endorsed him and none of these resulted in a sudden upsurge. The fact the upsurge took place a random length of time after the endorsement may be taken to imply the endorsement was irrelevant to it. That would be for normal people though, not our wing nuts.

Obviously the whole article is nothing more than a thinly veiled shill for how great Chuck really is. I suspect he may be in the process of negotiating a pay rise or something (well, its not like he has a film career to fall back on) because there is a whole list of “jokes” such as:

  • “Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.”
  • “They wanted to put Chuck Norris on Mount Rushmore, but the granite wasn’t tough enough for Chuck’s beard.”
  • “Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.”
  • “Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that ‘Law & Order’ are the names of his left and right legs.”
  • “Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light because the dark is afraid of him.”
  • “Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.”
  • “There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.”
  • “When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he doesn’t push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.”
  • “When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.”

Yeah, I cant see what is funny about them either – other than how pathetic they are for an adult to be proud that 12 year olds are saying things like this about them… (When I was a lad it was similar things about people like Mr T… We grew up though).

The next post which caught my eye was a priceless (as in of no value) gem entitled “Now, God banished from Washington Monument.” This bit of idiotic nonsense begins:

The National Park Service has banished God from a key display of America’s Christian heritage in Washington, and a California pastor who regularly leads teams of visitors to see markers of the nation’s religious history wants Him restored.

First off, all I can say to this is BRILLIANT! Now we know how to banish God from places we don’t want him, we can go about getting rid of all the earthquakes, floods, droughts etc that he is supposed to be sending us. Who would have thought it would have been so trivial to banish an omnipotent, omniscient deity – all you need to do is remove an engraving. Amazing.

On further reading it seems even more trivial to get rid of the sulky, grumpy, attention seeking deity that so many nutters Christians fall down on their knees before. Some all powerful being this is, Anextiomarus would kick his ass any day of the week – and beat old Chucky baby for good measure.

It seems that all you need to do to Banish God is to move a monument with the words LAUS DEO on slightly so it is harder to read.

That is it.

It really is that simple.

What are you waiting for! With a few hours effort we can force the Christian god into a small cave somewhere and Nerull can finish him off for good. Great eh?

If you doubt me about how trivial this is:

“I could barely make out some etching looking down from that bird’s eye view, but there was simply no way I would have known what it said unless I already knew the saying was there – ‘Laus Deo,'” [Pastor Tood] DuBord [of the Lake Almanor Community Church] said.

From this pathetic start, WND continues to whine on for what seems like an eternity. They interview national parks staff to find out why this monument has been moved (pretty inconclusive but they dont let that stop them) and eventually finish with this tear jerker from Pastor Todd:

“Because there is no longer any way for the public to learn about ‘Laus Deo’ at the Washington Monument, and so as to preserve its history for future generations, I am respectfully requesting the National Park Service to do either 1, 2, or 3,…(1) Pull out the replica from the wall far enough for it to be seen on all sides; (2) Place the replica on a pole that turns, so that the public can spin it and see each side, within its glass container; (3) Place a mirror behind the replica and lean it so that people can be encouraged to see the 4th side inscription which is now hid. AND… please add some wording back on the descriptive display at its base or on the wall behind it that interprets and explains ‘Laus Deo’ so the public can both see it and understand what it means,” he wrote.

You see, failing to teach people Latin is the real reason God is banished – obviously we wont go into the centuries in which Latin was a language spoken by pagans who had never even heard of this particular god. Would Pastor Todd be so obsessive about an inscription which read Praise Saturn? (And this doesn’t even begin to open the can of worms which is the arbitrary dates the Christians have chosen for their festivals…)

I doubt it. Send Chuck round to the National Parks and he can kill everyone until they move the stone back…

By the way – if you are interested Pastor Todd is a proper nutter.

For conspiracy nutters

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cowboy clown image The prime suspect. (Image from 4Halloween costumes.) (Messed about with a bit. Please don’t complain it’s free advertising)

From the Diana inquest – which Marina Hyde so memorably described as being about “a conspiracy so fiendishly clever it could have been foiled by the wearing of a seatbelt” – comes a bizarre “revelation”

Spies apparently bent on murder do not just specifically pick a time and place for their skullduggery when the world’s paparazzi is on the spot and primed for some momentous event. They also make themselves inconspicuous by dressing in a style that would raise an eyebrow at a fancy dress parade.

… in the Alma tunnel Jacques Morel trod on the foot of a man wearing pointy western boots. He says he spoke to Mohammed Al Fayed hours after the crash and when he told him this, the Harrods owner said: “I knew they were there. They’re the bastards that did it, the secret service.”
For many in the court it was the first time they had learnt you could tell a spy by his boots, though Mr Al Fayed was supplied with other descriptive details.
The suspected agent with sore toes was muscular and had a moustache like Salvador Dali’s, or a beer drinker in Ireland. (from the BBC website)

I was going to be uncharitable about Mohammed Al Fayed’s grasp on reality but the BBC report says that he himself has ‘no memory’ of this telephone conversation.

This bizarre nonsense comes straight from a Mr Morel. Surprisingly, ahem, he has written a book about the deaths…. (This book is reportedly ‘based in part on a secret “explosive” dossier,’ according to the BBC again.)

Oh yes, and…

He fears for his family’s safety because of what he knows. He wants to move to a Caribbean island

Well, don’t we all? I myself can provide the real answer to the entire Diana death “mystery” so easily. I am, naturally, waiting for the Caribbean hideaway to materialise before I divulge the whole cunning plot.

But , just to whet the appetite of the big publishers – Basically, a secret cabal of evil clowns were in one of those circus cars that dozens of people can fit in. They jumped out in the tunnel, sprayed alcohol into the face of the driver from their comedy flowers then pulled off the steering wheel and the car turned into incoming traffic. The assassin clowns all got back in their circus car and disappeared in a puff of red smoke.

One was too slow, because his comedy boots got stood on by Mr Morel (isn’t that a mushroom?) so he got spotted but he managed to grab a trapeze that had been rigged in the tunnel roof for the getaway and swung out of the tunnel just before the flashbulbs popped.

Pretty convincing hey? Beats the crap out of any of the popular conspiracy theories anyway.