The prime suspect. (Image from 4Halloween costumes.) (Messed about with a bit. Please don’t complain it’s free advertising)

From the Diana inquest – which Marina Hyde so memorably described as being about “a conspiracy so fiendishly clever it could have been foiled by the wearing of a seatbelt” – comes a bizarre “revelation”

Spies apparently bent on murder do not just specifically pick a time and place for their skullduggery when the world’s paparazzi is on the spot and primed for some momentous event. They also make themselves inconspicuous by dressing in a style that would raise an eyebrow at a fancy dress parade.

… in the Alma tunnel Jacques Morel trod on the foot of a man wearing pointy western boots. He says he spoke to Mohammed Al Fayed hours after the crash and when he told him this, the Harrods owner said: “I knew they were there. They’re the bastards that did it, the secret service.”
For many in the court it was the first time they had learnt you could tell a spy by his boots, though Mr Al Fayed was supplied with other descriptive details.
The suspected agent with sore toes was muscular and had a moustache like Salvador Dali’s, or a beer drinker in Ireland. (from the BBC website)

I was going to be uncharitable about Mohammed Al Fayed’s grasp on reality but the BBC report says that he himself has ‘no memory’ of this telephone conversation.

This bizarre nonsense comes straight from a Mr Morel. Surprisingly, ahem, he has written a book about the deaths…. (This book is reportedly ‘based in part on a secret “explosive” dossier,’ according to the BBC again.)

Oh yes, and…

He fears for his family’s safety because of what he knows. He wants to move to a Caribbean island

Well, don’t we all? I myself can provide the real answer to the entire Diana death “mystery” so easily. I am, naturally, waiting for the Caribbean hideaway to materialise before I divulge the whole cunning plot.

But , just to whet the appetite of the big publishers – Basically, a secret cabal of evil clowns were in one of those circus cars that dozens of people can fit in. They jumped out in the tunnel, sprayed alcohol into the face of the driver from their comedy flowers then pulled off the steering wheel and the car turned into incoming traffic. The assassin clowns all got back in their circus car and disappeared in a puff of red smoke.

One was too slow, because his comedy boots got stood on by Mr Morel (isn’t that a mushroom?) so he got spotted but he managed to grab a trapeze that had been rigged in the tunnel roof for the getaway and swung out of the tunnel just before the flashbulbs popped.

Pretty convincing hey? Beats the crap out of any of the popular conspiracy theories anyway.