Exhaustive scientific research has now shown that PR people can be replaced by a simple formula. The research indicates that you can always make the national news by inserting a few simple words in any story.

Just combine at least one word from group A with one or more from any other group.

Now go away and form your own PR agency.

Group A – Racing certainties

• Facebook
• Twitter
• Knife crime
• Health scares and/or Miracle cures
• Harry Potter
• Asylum seekers
• Political correctness (preferably “gone mad”, naturally)

Group B – Floaters
Temporary certainties but time-limited:

• Michael Jackson
• Joanna Lumley
• Swine flu

Group C – Old news
These may not always work, but could come through for you on a slow news day:

• Gun crime
• Mobile phones
• Terrorism
• Texting
• McCanns
• Islamic fundamentalism
• Christians not allowed to wear promise rings/crosses
• Princess Diana

Group D – Fillers

• Richard Dawkins
• The Pope/Archbishop of Canterbury/Bishop Sentamu
• Jordan/Paris Hilton/Amy Winehouse/Lily Allen et al
• Simon Cowell
• Teenagers’/women’s binge drinking
• Fatness/thinness/bulimia/anorexia
• Big Brother/X-factor/Britain’s got Talent/Dragons Den/The Apprentice/I’m a Celebrity, yada yada

Now, as soon as I work out how to claim royalties on this, I’m set to make Max Clifford look like a gifted amateur.