Why not just blame the Internet for everything? Well everything wrong with people under 20, anyway. (Everyone over 20 is obviously already incapable of error.) Bullying, teenage suicide, gang warfare? All the fault of the Internet.

Hence, UK ministers plan to restrict children’s access to computer games. According to the Guardian, recommendations likely to be adopted by the Department of Children and Families include a compulsory new licensing system for games, with prosecution for stores who supply games to the wrong age group.

If teenagers were getting killed by well-aimed consoles, then computer games might indeed bear responsibility for youth violence. Otherwise, this is quite a difficult case to make.

The government’s advisors have allegedly reviewed “the literature” to come up with this plan. Maybe, I am just not up with the latest research but I refuse to believe that any evidence to support these policies either exists or could exist.

This project could be a boon for computer games salespeople, of course. The fastest way to cult status amongst teenagers is the tantalising whiff of the forbidden that an over 18 cert would bring. In fact, any of all the political parties’ crackpot suggestions about pin numbers and certification could be overcome for a whole neighbourhood by one reasonably tech-savvy kid. (On the bright side, it might give a few nerds a short-term rise in popularity. Every cloud etc..)

Ministers are also expected to advise parents to keep computers and games consoles away from children’s bedrooms as much as possible, and ask them to play games in living rooms or kitchens facing outward so carers can see what is being played.
Ministers are also expected to recommend blocking mechanisms to protect children from seeing unsuitable games, emails or internet sites. Discussions have already been held with internet service providers to see if an agreement on a standardised filter can be reached.

Translation – make sure your kids are fully adjusted to the ongoing surveillance society by monitoring their every communication.

In fact, why not set up blanket cctv coverage of their conversations with their friends? You don’t want them to reach adulthood unprepared for the realities of life in a modern western democracy.

Just ban whatever you decide they shouldn’t be aware of. You will save years of effort that might otherwise be wasted in discussion and debate and trusting their judgement and accepting their mistakes – all the stuff involved in becoming autonomous and confident adults.