The newspaper shop displayed dozens of front pages showing what seemed to be a huge sketch of more malevolent George Harrison (ca 1970) . No, I finally realised it looked like an IRA hunger striker (same era.).

I looked more closely. My bad. The sketch clearly doesn’t show Posh & Becks, Britney Spears or Paris Hilton. It’s a UK tabloid. Ergo, it must have to do with the Madeleine McCann story. What a surprise! So it does.

This week’s McCann coverage has risen slightly above even its normal Alpine level. (IMAO. I have no statistics.) There have been stories about a planned film about the McCanns, denial of said film, suggestions that Madeleine has had eye surgery or got contact lenses to disguise her unusual eye. And so on.

However, the crime sketch-artist story is just pushing the envelope of preposterousness (No, I don’t know what “pushing the envelope” means either. I’m just using it to annoy, really.)

In the News of the World version, the most repellent themes of the media extravaganza are so perfectly expressed that the story deserves its own personalised kicking rant.

Some quotes from the NOW article:

A British woman who came face to face with the suspected Maddie McCann kidnapper revealed last night: “He made my blood run cold and gave me the creeps.”…
She said: “He was wandering about on the beach alone even though it was pouring down with rain. There wasn’t another soul about. …..
She added: “This man was very unpleasant and creepy. I’d put his age at 38 to 45. He was very scruffy and had a 70s-style black Mexican moustache. He wasn’t Portuguese—I think he was North African, either Tunisian or Moroccan.” (Source: News of the World)

Let’s temporarily ignore the fact that these “creepy man” sightings took place before the McCanns were even in the resort. And that it’s really hard to see why a sketch of something observed ten months ago can constitute new evidence.

Instead, consider some of the assumptions inside this guff.

• A woman from the UK can see into the souls of complete strangers on a brief sighting. (I also tend to act as if I can do this. I have even run out of local market on the grounds people looked so horrible. I put this down to projection and prejudice.)
• She can memorise individual details so well that a man seen in the rain can be instantly recognised days later, months later. She even claims that she can recall them today. (I stand shamed. I can barely remember enough details about people I’ve known all my life to give a sketch artist a decent start.)
• An attempted doorstep fraud instantly implies that the perpetrator is a kidnapper.(I usually just say “No, I definitely haven’t had a recent accident at work” or “No, I definitely haven’t welcomed Jesus Christ into my life.” I will now start saying “I believe you kidnapped Madeleine McCann and I claim my £500”)
• A sketch based on the memory of a nine-months-ago glimpse of said doorstep beggar constitutes evidence that would be seriously investigated were it not for the Clouseau-style incompetence of Johnny Foreigner’s police. (I plan to go to my local police station and inform them that the sketch chap is the missing Lord Lucan. As they are British rather than Euro Police, I assume they will cancel all overtime and set up a task force to follow up my lead.)

I could go on for pages. What really offends me is the innate prejudices that just ooze through this piece. It says: A North African is, by definition, creepy.

Mrs Cooper, a community healthcare co-ordinator from Newark, Notts, added: “In my job I have to assess people and make a judgement. My judgement is that this man was very suspicious and could have been the kidnapper everyone is searching for.

So, we might accept her character assessment expertise as valid, if this man was applying for a home careworker. However, I would even dispute this. Given that looking a bit unkempt and walking in the rain – Arrgh, that would often describe me – make her so instantly suspicious that I fear for her clients. If her employer provides “diversity awareness training,” maybe they should consider whether a refresher course is not overdue.

But what she is basiically saying, echoed by the McCann industry, the News of the World and uncritically reported even on the BBC site – “There was a potential Muslim there. A poor and probably criminal Muslim. You need look no further.”

The preposterous detective investigations, carried out on behalf of the McCanns, are determined to put the focus on Morocco and Algeria. You can’t really blame them for not wanting to pass up on the opportunity for exotic holidays on expenses.

Whenever a tourist spots a blonde Berber child (far from rare) anywhere in North Africa, they are identified as Madeleine.

Oddly, the idea that hair colour iis immutable seems to have penetrated the discourse. The People talks about disguising the child’s eye feature. But none of the media has thought for a moment how insanely simple it is to change blonde hair in a certain style to brown, black or red hair in a different style…. Dying, perms, hair cutting.. The UK now has many times more hairdressers than independent greengrocers. Surely someone has made the connection.

The iconic newspaper-selling power of the McCann story rests partly on the stereotypical “little blonde girl” image? This image is increasingly contrasted with alien enemies: the non-English speaking Portuguese police force and menacing exotic North Africans.

The coverage expresses the inherent xenophobia and outright racism of sections of the UK population much more blatantly than a dozen Big-Brother-spats.

If you can read Portuguese, Spanish and/or French – or at least use Babelfish – the continental European press has a much wider and more sceptical coverage of aspects of the story, including many points about the financing of the McCann campaign that would never get on to UK websites or into UK papers.