Screen shot of movie website

Felt obliged to translate the concept of “the rapture” into cockney rhyming slang, for this one, but “screen capture” didn’t really seem quite authentic enough.

There’s a new movie about East End gangs fighting to get the spear that pierced the side of christ, so they can unite it with the holy grail and bring about the rapture, according to Libby Purves in the Times. No, really.

I have instantly cast it in my head. Ray Winstone – lovable cockney villain – and Vinny Jones – as unlovable cockney villain – must be the gang leaders. I bet there are dozens of actors from Only Fools and Horses and Minder who haven’t had a well-paid screen role for years. Half the cast of the Bill could go on without rehearsal. There could even be a cameo role for Dick van Dyke. Shane Ritchie would direct. He could contribute the deep knowledge of ancient Jewish texts that he gained by swimming in qabbalah water. So, it would be, like totally, authentic.

All my dreams turn to dust. There’s a website for this project. It writes the Rapture in a gold Quake font on a mainly black background. So, it looks like a gamers’ site. It’s not genuine rapture-ready nonsense. It’s using the Rapture as a fantasy plot ingredient, equally as credible as the myth that East End Kray-style villains were loveable cockney rogues rather than dangerous psychopaths.

On a cursory look, it seems pretty low budget, even engagingly amateurish. Martin Kemp is the only professional cockney so far identified as being in it. Indeed the press notices on its site are mainly references to the sort of local papers that put in a photo of a whole under-14 five-a-side football team, so their relatives will all buy a paper. It’s written by a Scottish politician’s son with what looks like a comically-bleached head of hair. It might even turn out to be quite entertaining. At least, if the film-makers are lucky, it might get picketed and condemned as an abomination by real rapture-ready folk and get loads of press coverage and make some serious money.