Faith Blinds

(Old news from the department of simple answers)

My time away has meant that some of the weird and wonderful nonsense over the last few weeks has escaped the harsh light of reality. Take this little blinder posted by Joanna Sugden to the Times Online on 2 May 08.

The article is titled: “Is the Bible science fiction?

Simple answer: “Yes” (Or slight variation: “No, it is fantasy fiction”)

Why is there any need for more debate? Strangely, debate there is… As you can imagine, the article talks about “debate” as to the veracity of Noah’s Ark. It seems that some people over the age of six actually think that two of every species on Earth was crammed into the Ark to survive a world flood. Wonderfully, IMDB list a film about this under “Science Fiction Literature” which I think is a GoodThing™.
Equally great is the predictable response of the loonies.

The first to kick it off is Rick Beekman who is certainly a “person of faith” (and, I suspect with no real evidence, an American):

I believe the story of Noah’s Ark. I also believe all the stories in The Bible.
The ones who don’t believe it are the usual group of scoffers..Atheists..Secular Humanists.Those Who generally think everything has an Explanation based on their worldly but non-spiritual understanding of Events in the Bible they deem “Impossible”.

Word salad. This is nothing but an assertion of his belief with an appeal to ridicule against anyone who disagrees. The unusual capitalisation is always a good sign of a nutjob – I hope he doesn’t have access to firearms. After this start, he continues:

The reason for these stories is to teach we lowly humans what God has done..And what he can and will do.

Scary. I find myself agreeing with the insane. Dear Toutatis save me. Actually, the bit I agree with is the reason of the story. They are not supposed to be factual representations of the past. They are there to “teach” (for want of a better word) people about their belief system. This subtle fact is lost on Rick – despite the fact he worded it in quite a good way, I suppose that was just chance. (Monkeys, typewriters…) Anyway, after a bit more drivel he finishes off:

In Genesis 8 v 4 we read where the Ark rested upon Mt. Ararat as the waters receded.
Sattelite Photos confirm taken in 1972 that something very large is encased in Ice on top of that Mountain.
How could any large Ship get up there unless Water rested it there as The Bible says?

WTF? Seriously, what sort of insane leap of faith is this? How did “something” become a “large ship” in the space of a full stop? Quantum physics be damned! (Why is water capitalised?) Critically, why have none of the ultra rich evangelical groups over the world got a more recent ultra high res photograph to confirm – or just gone there on an expedition? Madness like this gives me a headache.

My faith in human nature is restored by a run of sensible comments, but then Rick returns:

God our Creator can do whatever he pleases. He usually does things to suit his purposes not necessarily for what we think. He knows The end from the beginning. God could have chosen to just let everyone drop dead except the chosen animals etc and of course Noah and his family. There is no human now or past or in the future who is any match for the Wisdom and creator.

Ah the way of the madness runs true in this one. This at least shows there is no science in the bible or in creationism. Basically this is Rick saying he doesn’t care what feeble evidence there is, he knows his Invisible Friend can do things other people can’t. Well done Rick. There are seven year olds kicking themselves in shame at this…

More sensible refutations are made – thank Heimdall for the human race – then someone called CESEELEY chimes up with their own brand of wisdom:

One of the main points of stories like Noah’s Ark is to help one from the Old Testament into the New Testament so that one will learn to walk in the Spirit after being Born Again, Baptized and given the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Ah, here come the erratic capital letters. Wonderful. Still it is all gibberish.

Our bodies were designed by God to be guided by the Holy Spirit. That is what those scripture about the Holy Temple imply.

Eh? Is this going anywhere? This is more drivel – why use 1 word to say something when eight hundred and ninety four will do… Comments on Times Online are moderated so a human actually decided this was relevant enough to the thread to let through (and about 50% of mine get knocked back… hmmm).

If you want to experience the more Abundant Life that Christ promised and have become Born Again and Baptized by immersion, then start taking Roman 12:1-2 seriously in your life so that you can prove what is God’s perfect will for your life as compared to His permissive will.

Ok, I’ll stop here. It doesn’t get any better. It is just a string of meaningless drivel with little relevance to the topic other than it seems to want every one to become a Born Again lunatic. I am a touch confused about his “perfect will” being different from his “permissive will” though…

Not to be out lunatic’d, Rick returns:

To All;
Seems I am the only one on this thread who believes the Story of Noah And His Ark.

God, I hope so…

I guess God Really did’nt ask Adam to name all the animals Either..(Genesis 2 verses 19 & 20).

Well done for taking a step in the right direction. Why did God let Adam name the echnida such a bloody awkward name? Oh right, he didn’t because Adam would never have seen one..

According to the “Experts” on this thread there is no possible way God could have brought all the animals to Adam from all over so Adam could name them.

Erm, yep. See, after a while everyone starts to agree with the lunatics.

Another one has stated the story of the flood is a Babylonian myth.

Yes, some one did state that. I thought they were being charitable instead of just calling Rick insane. Obviously Rick just likes using words, because he doesn’t even try to refute the claims any more – he just repeats them. He does, however, save the best till last:

I Just Wanted All Of You To Know All Of You Are Dead Wrong…But the Good News Is I’m Not Upset And Love All Of You!!

Wonderful. Don’t you just love the shift key… How would we spot lunatics without it.

9 thoughts on “Faith Blinds

  1. I like the idea that our bodies were designed to be guided by the Holy Spirit. That’s an excellent idea. Of course if our bodies aren’t guided by the Holy Spirit then clearly God gave us faulty ones and we should be able to take them back and exchange them. I wonder if He’d take requests as I can imagine a few bodies I’d like to get my hands on.

    What I don’t understand is how he gets the conclusion that a God can do whatever he pleases. Isn’t that what fundamentalists say is the trouble with atheists? Would that make God an atheist?

  2. Great post. I was splitting my side laughing all the way through. 😀 One question: were the Christian comments all in Comic Sans font? That seems to be sort of a Christian trademark.

    Okay – do you really want the quick lowdown on the three wills of God?

    First: God’s Perfect Will (it’s a Christian concept, so I’ll Capitalize It like They Do 😈 ) – this is God’s Plan A, which is when everybody does exactly what He always Wanted Them to Do in the First Place. No Sins or Mistakes.

    Second: God’s Permissive Will – this is what happens when Human Free Will enters the picture. Humans usually find ways to deviate from Perfect Plan A, so this is Plan B. It’s not what God Would Have Chosen, but He’ll Find A Way to make things work out for The Best.

    Third: God’s Conditional Will – this is tied to laws of nature. These have been established by God and He doesn’t usually interfere with their operation, except when He does (those cases are known as Miracles). So, for example, the airplane door blows open and the passenger sitting right there gets sucked out, plummets 30,000 feet to the ground and dies. Since God never wills for His Children to suffer, this can’t be an example of His Perfect Will. Since it’s probable that the Passenger did not plan to Get Sucked Out and Dropped to the Ground, this isn’t God’s Permissive Will either. Therefore, since certain physical laws (gravity and the like) are at play, this tragedy is an example of Conditional Will: the Unlucky Passenger is subject to the Same Physical Laws as the Rest of the Universe. God Cannot Be Blamed for allowing the system He Created to operate according to the Rules He Established.

    The upshot of all this is the Standard Christian Position: God is Not Responsible When Shit Happens, but He’s Always to Be Praised When Good Things Happen. I gotta get me a gig like that. 😆

  3. I can’t believe that someone allowed to opine in The Times can’t even spell a simple word like “animated”.

    Rick, however, does sound hilarious. I’d like to take him drinking.

    @TC: holy crap! I never realised that christians made up so much shit to justify their fancy for their “good” god. That’s some serious brain twisting going on there.

  4. Great post! The story of Noah’s Ark never gets old. I still chuckle when I hear that someone claims to have found remnants of Noah’s ark. Are they not aware that wood decays, and quite fast? If the ark existed and landed on Mount Ararat, it would have completely decayed in a few hundred years.

    We recently wrote a piece on The Great Flood. This particular story doesn’t cover the ark itself, the animals or Noah. Rather it focuses on the Flood and if the story depicted in the Bible is feasible on this planet.

    Always interested in reading more about Noah’s Ark, if you have anything else…

  5. Ooops! Sorry for the extra bold comment above!

    One more thing I wanted to comment on: this quote “I Just Wanted All Of You To Know All Of You Are Dead Wrong…”

    Really? No one else knows the answer for sure, but this one person knows the answer? Has some deeper wisdom? Reminds me of conspiracy theorists…

  6. Ah, what Ted has failed into account in magic wood, that lasts forever, but must (must I tell thee!) look and act like ordinary wood under duress. Unless it needs to confirm something claimed in scripture, in which case it’s magic wood again, until scientists get their hands on it, in which case … 😉

  7. (Why is water capitalised?)

    It’s Divine Water, made from the Tears of the Almighty because Nasty Atheists deny Baby Jesus.

    Or judging from the last line, Rick’s just plain old bat-shit crazy.

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