I have to set up a new award for the “most incomprehensible error message on my PC this evening.” It’s a small category with only one contender. But this would still be a shoe-in contender, even if it was up against the bizarre messages my work PC gives out.<\/p>\n

<\/a><\/p>\n

If you cant read this, it says<\/p>\n

“Test cannot be started because it already does not exist”<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thanks to wikileaks<\/a>, however, I can reveal the error message instructions at the heart of the Matrix.<\/p>\n

************************************************<\/p>\n

Access level: Top Secret<\/em> Distribution: Error message Replicators<\/em><\/p>\n

Error message bots’ code of conduct<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n
• Never explain. Never apologise.<\/li>\n
• Make sure you use the word fatal<\/strong>. This always inspires user optimism.<\/li>\n
• If you’ve used up your store of fatals, say unrecoverable<\/strong><\/li>\n
• Always include the word error<\/strong>. There’s a high chance the user will take the blame.<\/li>\n
• Include at least one over-16 digit number, preferably in Hex<\/li>\n
• Stay onscreen just long enough for the recipient to imbibe the concepts of fatal <\/strong>and\/or unrecoverable.<\/strong><\/li>\n
• Never stay onscreen long enough for the user to actually write down the number of the error.<\/li>\n
• Freeze all processes and shut down instantly if the user tries a Print Screen<\/li>\n
• However, be sparing in your use of several alarming words and disturbingly large numbers at the same time. Users are frail compared to silicon-based life forms. They may be panicked into binning their whole system.<\/li>\n
• Locating the precise memory block holding the error is always useful. All PC users know exactly what is going on in any segment of their hard disk at any time.<\/li>\n
• Drill your human-machine hybrid tech support workers to respond only if provided with at least one over-16 digit hex number and a precise physical memory address.<\/li>\n
• Set off threatening security alarms if the user tries to fix anything, themselves. Be sure to mention their contracts of employment…<\/li>\n
• Ensure PC behaves normally in the presence of a tech support bot. Time your re-presentation of the message to occur exactly 5 minutes after the support bot leaves the room.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

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      I have to set up a new award for the “most incomprehensible error message on my PC this evening.” It’s a small category with only one contender. But this would still be a shoe-in contender, even if it was up … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

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